Monday 15th May 2006
I got a court summons today, the police are prosecuting me for assault with a dangerous weapon (my anti-Tory Placard), Affray and making a public nuisance of myself at the Local borough election count in Fairham. I am not really worried because they can't make any of the charges stick because I was severely provoked by the evil Tories. It is alleged that they won overall control of the Borough but that is pack of lies, and all I have to do is explain to the magistrate that they have the wrong man, and that the real villain is the Tory candidate that head-butted my placard. My solicitors Ozmond and Ozmond, tell me I have a good case, and as long as I pay several thousand up front they will do everything they can to get me off, in the mean time they have suggested I take a writ out against Penny Nordant for calling me a ‘fat useless bastard' as the police dragged me out of the local community hall. Penny has been behaving rather fickle these days; for months she has been giving me the come on, throwing herself at me at every opportunity, behaving like a two-bit whore, and she then she calls me a' fat useless bastard'. What I would like to know, is how does she know, I haven't slept with her. So she can't prove it, quid pro quo my dear Penny.
My best friend (don't tell Nigel) Dougal Denny, came round to offer me some solace. I think Doug is great, he's a cockney and I have to admit half the time I don't know what he is saying, mostly because he is a drunken sot, but also because he's a cockney.
Doug brought all the daily national papers in, we gave up trying to understand what was in them ages ago, but we like to draw on the pictures of leading Tories in the news, we draw moustaches and spectacles and colour their teeth black. Denny is great at colouring in, I think I need more practice.
I told Doug I had been summoned to court because of the evil Tories, he said ‘That's a larf mike, wot ya gonna do, you got any o' that whiskey I had last time me ole mucker?.
I told him, ‘no', he had drank it all'. So he pulled out a bottle of Vodka, and said ‘wot a larf good job I carry a spare then innit me ole mate, hows about a jig round the ole Joanna, Maggie an me love a trot round the ole joanna'. Unfortunately he had lost me by then, I didn't understand a word he said but then Doug has always been a little idiosyncratic. I told Doug all about how Penny had betrayed me. I explained that I have always been happy to use the full powers of the law to deal with blatantly illegal behaviour, for example the conduct of the Conservative Party when they attempted to expel me for proclaiming my right as a free British citizen to stand against one of their wretched candidates. 1, and that Penny had scuppered her chance with me and that I would be taking action against her and that my solicitors were already putting together the paper work.
Doug didn't seem to be listening; in fact he had fallen asleep and was dribbling down his jacket, and muttering things about Polish workers being the most exploitable workers as well as the cheapest, and that Roger Nappyman was going to issue a new UKIFRIP policy that when UKFRIP got in power and Roger firmly seated in No. 10 they, were going to swap the entire British workforce for cheap labour from the Eastern Bloc, preferably Poles. I had never been party to UKFRIP secrets before and I felt honoured that Doug should share the UKFRIP vision with me.
I loved Doug best when he was completely inebriated because he lost his cockney accent and mumbled words and phrases that I could actually understand. I asked Doug to tell me more about UKFRIPS new vision for Patriots like me, and could he get me involved as I have several unique policies that I would like to put forward. Doug dribbled some more and smiled at me drunkenly and said ‘'wot a larf mike, that Penny is a bit of aright int she me ole mucker, have you got any brandy to go wiv this vodka me ole matey chum?' I told him I would get my policies as they would make him feel much better than the large quantities of booze he was consuming. and headed for my study in the closet under the stairs.
I will write the rest up later, as my Solicitors Ozmond and Ozmond are on the phone, and they want to know when I will be sending them a check to fund my case against the obscene slanderer Penny Nordant.